Kim Gibbs: The Guilt Guide

2/22/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

The Missoula Businesswomen’s Network held their Annual Women’s Symposium last Saturday and I was honored to be one of the breakout speakers. My topic naturally, was how to leave your guilt in the dust. For weeks I felt like an Olympic athlete, practicing and training so I would peak as a speaker at this event.

I had a ball during my session, talking and laughing with the women in attendance about the embarrassing things we’ve done in our lives and how we’ve overcome our guilt.

Of course I was all nerved up from the moment I woke up that morning until long after I went to bed that night. Needless to say, when the next day rolled around I felt groggy, tired, and totally unmotivated to do anything. So I didn’t.

Ordinarily, I would have been disgusted with myself and felt guilty for lazing so much of the day away. But not this time. I had worked hard and put a ton of mental and physical effort into my presentation. I was weary and I had every right to do nothing but rest. Guilt-free. So I did.

It’s exactly what I needed in order to recover. So please be good to yourself and know that it’s OK to take a guilt-free break when you’re tired. Quit trying to be Wonder Woman all the time and allow yourself to be Real Woman, orneriness and hormones included!

2/18/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

One thing many women don’t understand about guilt is that it is a choice.  When guilt sets in, we have the choice of either dealing with it and moving on, or of living with it. 

We should feel guilty when we do something wrong, but that doesn’t mean that the guilt is there to stay for the rest of our lives.  We’re not suddenly helpless and unable to do anything about it.  Guilt isn’t a permanent chain that gets draped around our neck and now we’re stuck with it.  We always have a choice about what we’re going to do with that guilt.

If we decide to work through the guilt then we need to be willing to go through the cleansing steps that are necessary.  We have to face our shameful or humiliating actions in order to purge ourselves and leave that behavior behind.  Uh oh, that doesn’t sound like any fun.  But as difficult as it might be, it’s still the better choice because that’s the only path that will get rid of the pain. 

What if it feels like we have no choice about feeling guilty because someone else is constantly laying that chain around our necks?  Remember that no one can make us feel guilty without our permission.  No one can lay guilt on us unless we let them.  We can choose to accept that guilt, or refuse it and stay out from under it’s weight.  Refusing to feel guilty takes some effort but is well worth it in the long run.

2/12/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

The more we know about the monster we’re  up against, the better chance we have of overcoming it.  So what is guilt? 

Guilt is that pang we feel when we do something we know we shouldn’t like not putting fruit in our kid’s lunch, or stuffing our exercise ball in the back of the closet.   It’s the agony we feel after betraying a spouse, or crushing a child’s self-esteem.  

But truth be known, guilt is really a good thing.  It tells us when we’ve done something wrong.  Guilt is the feeling we get when we break a commandment, a law, an ethical code, or personal standard that we live by.

The feeling of guilt is a signal, warning  us that we’re off track and headed in the wrong direction.  It’s like the rumble strip along the side of the highway that tells us we’ve driven too far out of our lane and need to make a correction fast or things will get worse.

Feeling guilty proves that we have a conscience and are concerned about doing the right thing and having healthy relationships with other people.  It shows that we really don’t want to hurt others, the dog, or ourselves in any way.  It’s the people who don’t feel guilt that we need to worry about and hide the dogs from.  

The purpose of guilt is to make us feel so uncomfortable and so uneasy about what we’ve done that we won’t do it again.  In other words, it tries to make everybody be nice.  When the pain of guilt is deep enough, we become motivated to stop what we’re doing and change our behavior for the better.

Making these changes will put us back on the right track and keep us moving in a healthy, positive direction.

2/4/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

Everyone who has a conscience feels guilty about something.    

Maybe we feel guilty about dumb things we did as kids and never made right; about lies we’ve told to save face; about things we stole or broke and never replaced; about feelings we’ve hurt when we let people down. 

When I was thirteen years old, six friends and I decided to go to Wrigley Field in downtown Chicago to watch the Cubs play baseball.  As we were waiting to board the bus, someone had the brilliant idea that instead of dropping in a dime and a nickel to pay the fifteen cent fare, we could just drop in a penny and a nickel.  With the hubbub of so many giggling girls getting on the bus at the same time, we figured the driver would never notice.    

No sooner had we paid and gotten to the back of the bus when the driver’s voice boomed out, “Would you girls please come back up here?”  He had noticed our little scheme and asked us to put in the additional amount owed.

When we all crowded to the front of the bus to pay up, it was easy for me to hide in the middle of the group and not pay my fair share, which is exactly what I did. I reasoned that if I could hide myself, I could hide my guilt.  Wrong.

To this day, I feel guilty for cheating the bus company out of nine cents.  Of course it’s not the nine cents that bothers me, but rather my lack of integrity, even when I was given a second chance to come clean.  I guess it’s time to visit the bus station and pay a long overdue IOU.  They obviously don’t need it, but I do.

1/27/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

This is a blog for women. Why? Mainly because I’m a woman and so, for the most part, I share a similar perspective on guilt as other women.

Also, as I interview people – both men and women – I’m discovering that more women tend to hold on to guilt than men. Now it could be that men feel guilty just as much as women but don’t want to tell anybody else. Most men have a natural desire to solve their problems by themselves. But my research shows that most of them really don’t struggle much with guilt.

The women I interviewed would share a long list of things they felt guilty about and why, and the effect it had on them and on and on. But when I interviewed my husband Brad and asked, “Honey, do you tend to hang on to guilt,” he answered, “No.” End of interview.

When I asked that question of other men, the answers were the same. “Why on earth would I do that,” they would reply, looking at me as though I really was from Venus. They were taking care of their guilt and leaving it behind.

Of course there are many men who carry guilt and many women who do not, but my comments in this blog will be primarily addressed to women who are hanging on to it. However, if there are any men who are tuned in, you are more than welcome to stay.  I’m sure you’ll get some benefit out of this, too!

1/18/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

Kim and Sunny

I don’t know about you, but I’m one of those people who feel guilty about everything.  I have felt guilt over the little things like all the times I fed my kids cereal for dinner, all the bites of chocolate I sneak when my husband is in the other room, and all the money I’ve never made!

Individually, none of these feel like much of a burden, but taken together with the million other goofy things I’ve done, they become a huge weight on my heart.

I also carry guilt from the whoppers I’ve committed like coming up short as a mother and hurting other people’s feelings deeply.  Each of these are a big burden and make me want to hide in the barn for the rest of my life. 

How about you?  Are you feeling guilt over the minor things as well as the biggies?  Are you tired of carrying that weight around?  If so, then you’ve come to the right blog. 

Overcoming guilt is the one challenge in my life I actually have  found the solution for and I want to share it with you.

Through my posts I’d like to guide you through guilt.  I’m going expose the truth about guilt  – I think you’ll be surprised at what it is and what it shouldn’t be.  I’ll show you the difference between true guilt and false guilt and share some examples of false guilt.  I’ll talk about why we hold on to guilt and the devastating effects it has on us.  And of course I’ll reveal the steps I took to overcome my guilt and leave it behind me.

So tighten your cinch while this cowgirl guides you through the steps to overcoming guilt so you can leave it in the dust!