Post by Kim Gibbs

As I discussed in my last post, the first step in overcoming guilt is to acknowledge what you’ve done wrong and be accountable for it.  The rest of the steps won’t work unless you’ve honestly admitted to your wrong-doing. 

As you can imagine, confessing to a mistake is usually painful because it’s embarrassing.  Running through it in your head or confessing it out loud makes you feel ashamed.  But shame isn’t the feeling you want at this point.  So step number two is to:

Turn your shame into sorrow

Shame is a negative feeling that makes you want to cover up your wrong-doing.  It compels you to hide it so others won’t find out and be mad or disgusted with you. When you feel ashamed you say things like, “I am so worthless,” and “How could I have done such a thing? “  Shame doesn’t allow you to deal with your actions so you can move on.  As a result, the guilt stays and continues to fester.

So it’s important to turn your shame into sorrow.  Sorrow isn’t a negative feeling like shame.  Its focus is positive.  When you feel sorry, you’re motivated to find a way to move forward and past your wrong-doing.  Sorrow allows you to make healthy changes, to look forward to better feelings and a better future.  Sorrow may be painful, but it opens the door to healing.  

It’s OK to feel sorrow after you’ve done something wrong; it shows you have a conscience and want to do the right thing.  When you feel sorrow, you ask questions like, “How do I fix this and move on?”  “What have I learned from this so I won’t do it again?”  With sorrow, you can see a light at the end of the tunnel of pain and regret.

Be very conscientious about how you feel during this step.  If you feel like hiding your actions and wallowing in self pity, then you’re feeling shame.  Rather than saying, “I’ve made a mistake and I’m worthless,” try saying, “I’ve made a mistake and I’m sorry.  Now what can I do to make this right?”  That’s sorrow talking and it will lead you to adjust your actions, make better decisions and move forward, leaving your guilt behind.

Post by Kim Gibbs

How to Overcome Guilt and Leave it in the Dust – Step 1

Guilt was meant to be a signal, not a life sentence.  You aren’t meant to suffer from guilt your entire life.  Unfortunately, there are way too many people out there who feel guilty far longer than they should.   

In my next several blogs, I’ll lay out the steps that will help you overcome guilt and leave it in the dust.  These steps worked for me and I’m excited to share them with you.

Step 1   Acknowledge what you did wrong.

If you’re serious about overcoming guilt, you can’t just suppress it, weasel your way around it, or jump over it.  You must work directly through it.

So the very first step in healing is to face what it is you’ve done wrong.  Don’t deny it or blame someone else.  Admit your wrong-doing to yourself and to your God or higher power.  Bring it out of the darkness and into the light.  I like to confess out loud to increase my focus and commitment to this step. 

Don’t be tempted to keep the worst of what you’ve done hidden; honestly confess all of it – your thoughts, feelings and actions – or the guilt will come back later, bigger and badder than ever. 

Guilt is like a painful infection just under the skin.  The first step in treating it is to peel back the skin and expose the infection. Then you can effectively get rid of it.  Overcoming guilt works the same way.  First uncover the cause of the pain, and then you can take the proper steps to cleanse it.

Oscar Wilde once said, “It is the confession, not the priest that gives us absolution.”  In other words, acknowledging your wrong-doing and being accountable for it puts you on the right path for getting rid of guilt.  The rest of the steps will be futile if you don’t start by owning up to your mistake.  

I won’t kid you; this step is usually painful, just like poking around an infection is painful.  But rather than avoiding this step because it adds to your pain, see it as a purging that will relieve it.  And know that the discomfort of this step, just like the pain of guilt, is meant to be short-lived.

Victoria Cook

05/20/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

When we as women set goals for ourselves and work to move ahead in life, we can’t seem to do it without feeling guilty about something.  Today’s interview is with Victoria Cook, a Guilt Free Results Expert, Speaker and Coach.  She has some great ideas for you on how to get rid of that nagging guilt.

Tell me briefly about your Guilt-Free R.E.S.U.L.T.S.™ System:

There are loads of books and seminars on accomplishing goals.  I’ve read many of them.  By combining the strategies I’ve learned from private study and my corporate background with coaching, I was able to accomplish many of my own BIG goals, including starting a successful coaching business.  But after the birth of my son in December of 2005, a whole new challenge emerged. 

I fell completely in love with my son and motherhood; so much more than I ever could have expected.  I soon found myself feeling a little guilty when I took time away from him and the family for business.  And when I spent time with my family, I found myself feeling guilty and stressed about all the work still sitting in my inbox.  It quickly became clear that great results weren’t enough if I felt stressed, overwhelmed, and guilty in the process.

I noticed I wasn’t the only one struggling to achieve some big goals AND maintain harmony at home.  Other professional women I met while speaking or networking expressed similar challenges.  They were taking care of everyone else at the expense of themselves.  They had BIG goals they struggled to achieve.  As a result, they didn’t feel they could justify the time they spent on themselves or their professional aspirations without struggle and guilt.  I began successfully working with professional women who also wanted guilt-free results.

While every client is unique and brings her own challenges and agenda to our work together, the framework was the same. My Guilt-Free R.E.S.U.L.T.S.™ System includes:

1.  Reset Your Priorities

2.  Engage Your Bigger Purpose

3.  See a Higher Vision

4.  Upgrade Your Mindset  & Undo the Guilt

5.  Lay Out Your Path

6.  Target Your Direction

7.  Stay the Course

Since then, I’ve dedicated my career to helping other high achieving professional women who are caring for everyone else, exhausted, and unable to achieve what is important to them attain the guilt-free professional achievement they desire using my Guilt-Free R.E.S.U.L.T.S.™ system!

What are the biggest sources of guilt people deal with when pursuing their goals?

That’s a GREAT question!  Through the work I’ve done with my clients I’ve found there to be three primary sources of guilt:

1.  Trying to conform to the standards of others whether that’s societal or cultural norms, or the expectations of well meaning friends and family. It’s so important to know what it is YOU truly want vs. always being pulled into the requirements and expectations of others.

2.  What I call the “Type A Trap” which is a very high self-imposed standard.  I’m all about setting BIG goals, but they also have to be realistic with a bit of a stretch, and take into account your particular life circumstances or season.

3.  The final source of guilt I see is not utilizing boundaries and saying no when warranted.  Sometimes saying no is not only in a person’s best interest, but also the best interest of the requester. You don’t have to say no to everything, but really look at what it is you are saying yes to. Is it something that aligns with your goals, talents, gifts, interests, and passion?  Remember, when you say yes to something you are automatically saying no to something else.

 What negative effects does this guilt have in their lives?

The two primary problems related to guilt I’ve seen in working with my clients are feelings of resentment and feeling “stuck”.  The resentments build when a person doesn’t deal with the guilt and continues to say yes to requests instead of enforcing boundaries.  This can be very damaging to relationships.  As resentment mounts, the person’s fuse gets shorter.  Bursts of anger can show up at inappropriate time’s further straining relationships.

Secondly, unchecked guilt creates feelings of paralysis, being stuck, frustrated and overwhelmed, which in turn leads to inaction.  This creates a vicious cycle back around to MORE guilt for not making progress and often continues in a downward spiral.  This only increases stress, anxiety and frustration.  This is the main issue I see with many of the clients with whom I work.  It not only increases their stress level, it also keeps them from achieving the personal and professional success they desire.

What steps do you recommend people take to overcome their guilt?

First I believe it is important to align your goals with your purpose and values. When you do that, it can make saying no easier.  Secondly, a strong and empowering mindset will also help you overcome guilt and create the confidence and focus needed to reach your goals. This is such an important piece to my system that I wrote a 50+ page guidebook to help walk people through how to do this step-by-step.

What benefits do they see when they take these steps?

Much greater clarity, focus, and confidence to move forward and achieve what you desire without sacrificing what’s most important.

Any last words of advice?

 If you’d like to learn more about my Guilt-Free R.E.S.U.L.T.S.™ System and how to use it to reach one goal in the next 30 days, I invite you to register for my complimentary Big Goals No Guilt 30 Day Challenge at www.TheGuiltFreeCoach.com.

Remember, living guilt-free is a choice and possibly the best choice you can make for yourself, your community and your family!

Beth Diettert

5/10/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

After almost every presentation I do on guilt, a woman will come up to me afterwards feeling guilty about being the recipient of sexual abuse as a  child.  She feels guilty because she was too scared or young or powerless to do anything about it.  I’m truly saddened by the number of women and children who have had this kind of experience and punish themselves for not being able to stop it.

So today’s guest interview is with Beth Diettert, a remarkable friend of mine who had this kind of experience and is willing to share the things she’s done to forgive herself and get rid of the guilt.  I’m sure you’ll agree that Beth is truly an inspiration and that her story will help many other women.

1) Introduce yourself and what you do. 

 I’m Beth Diettert, the owner and CFO of several Quiznos Subs in Montana.

 2) What is your biggest source of guilt?

It began when I was in the fourth grade, one event that forever changed me.  From that moment on I harbored guilt, shame, fear, sadness.  I blamed myself for not speaking up and telling on my mother’s husband for making me touch him inappropriately.  In my head I was screaming and hoping my mom would catch him in the act. 

I knew the moment it first happened it was wrong but I was petrified and thought if I spoke up I would be severely punished.  In my child mind it made sense that if my mom caught him it would end and I would be safe, but I could not be the one to reveal this devastating secret.  So while she was just a few feet away I screamed in my head for her to catch him while I remained frozen with fear. 

Why did I not yell?  Why did I not tell?  Why did I bury this and suffer for so many years with shame?  Each time it happened it was the same scenario, wishing and hoping he would be caught.  And each time he wasn’t I blamed myself for not telling. 

 3) What negative effects did this have in your life? 

 I closed the door on my childhood; it was too painful to see without the shadow of molestation and the guilt I carried for not speaking up.  Unable to even look at childhood photos without disgust.  Yet at the same time I longed to remember my childhood and hated that these awful memories caused me to bury the good times in order to block out the bad.

 4) What are some things you’ve done to overcome this guilt?

 Once the pain became unbearable and I could no longer silence it I began a journey of healing.  I reached out to various people who gave me resources and guidance.  I joined a group with other survivors and we began a journey of healing together (power in numbers)! 

I sought answers in books, tapes, videos, quotes, affirmations, and strong women who empower me.  I keep a journal and surround myself with inspirational items…my vision board and special gifts and treasured keepsakes that empower me whenever I look upon them.  These items are on the corner of my desk; I gain empowerment from them each and every day!  

5) What positive changes have you seen since putting these techniques into practice?

I’m continually learning that we can change our feelings by changing the thoughts that produced them!  Not trying to stamp out all bad thoughts but rather put them in perspective, look at the alternative, reappraise them.  You’ll continue to have scary thoughts but you can live with them.  It changes our brain function when reappraising and enables us to have power over our thoughts.  POWER over our thoughts! 

  6) Any final words of advice?

“Emotion regulation” is a set of tools that enable us to change the course of our emotions.  Ruminate over a past fearful situation BUT visualize it from another perspective “reappraise the situation.”  If you can change the way you THINK, you can change the way you FEEL! 

 “Unconscious conflicts” are things hidden from you but they’re making you miserable.  Psychotherapy’s role is to bring these out and change the way you think.  Think of it as having a little machine buried down in your emotional brain spitting out all of these really scary thoughts and because you’re the one thinking these things you tend to believe them. 

But wait, there’s a saying in cognitive therapy, don’t believe everything you think!  The key is to face these fears and DEFEAT them.  Put them in perspective using rationalization “I don’t need to be afraid or ashamed or carry guilt by these memories.  I can realize what happened was scary but I know now that I can work through these emotions and leave them behind.”  Or as a very wise woman I know (a key player in my journey) would say…leave them in the dust!

Merrilee Boyack

04/28/10

Posted by Kim Gibbs

I’m currently reading a book by Merrilee Boyack called “Toss the Guilt and Catch the Joy” that I highly recommend.  Merrilee is so funny and makes such great points in this book about how we limit ourselves and our joy because of our guilt. 

One thing in the book that really hit home for me is learning to say, “Not My Problem.”   Seems like as mothers, we always take responsibility for our kid’s choices and feel guilty for their bad ones like it was our fault.

Then we beat ourselves up by saying things like, “I should have spent more time with them; I should have said no more often; I should have kept a tighter rein on them.”   Most likely, our kids would have made the same choices no matter how we parented them.  What we need to remember  is that the consequences they’re paying are theirs and theirs alone. 

The situation your kids find themselves in after making bad choices is not your problem.  If they forget to take their lunch to school, that’s not your problem.  After forgetting and being hungry once, they won’t forget again.  If they shoplift and get caught, the fine or community service or black mark on their record is not your problem.  It’s theirs to face and take care of. 

By not taking your kids problems on as your own, they go through a vital learning process.  Merrilee points out that if you come to their rescue every time they goof up, they have no reason to stop goofing up and you’ll always be bailing them out.   But if you tell youself that it’s not your problem, your kids will eventually learn to be accountable for their own actions.

That’s not to say to ignore your kids when they’re in trouble; you should definitely support and encourage them as they work to make things right.  And obviously there are times when you do need to step in and take control.   But you shouldn’t be doing all the work and feeling all the remorse yourself.  That burden is not yours to bear.  It’s not your problem.

Remember, you can eliminate a ton of remorse and guilt from your life when you stop feeling responsible for everyone else’s actions by telling yourself, “It’s not my problem!”

Merrilee Boyack is a life coach, author and delightful speaker. Visit her website at www.moveforwardcoach.com

Susan Jackson

4/9/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

Recently, I found this great blog called Working Moms Against Guilt.  It’s written by three working moms who blog about their ongoing struggle to resist the big “G” and embrace the journey.  They’re a hoot and have some great advice on overcoming guilt.  Check them out at www.workingmomsagainstguilt.com

 I was dying to pick their brains about guilt, so I asked WMAG if I could do an interview and post it.  They said yes, so now I’m excited to introduce a new feature on my blog called Guest Interviews with WMAG as my first one.  Rather than me doing all the blabbing about guilt, I though it would be interesting to have other women share their struggles with and solutions to guilt.  And was I ever right!  Read on

Tell me your names and the purpose of your WMAG blog.

 Working Moms Against Guilt is written by Tela Durbin, Sara Bennett-Wealer and myself (Susan Wenner Jackson). Essentially, we created and write the blog to help working moms like us know they’re not alone in their ongoing struggle against guilt. We try to inform them, make them laugh and provide a guilt-free outlet where they can be open and honest about working motherhood.

What is the biggest source of guilt for working mothers?

Personally, I think it’s spending time away from your kids — mostly at work, but also doing “fun stuff” like going out with friends, getting a manicure or just going for a walk. Working moms often feel like they “should” be with their kids as much as humanly possible, either because they believe society will judge them for being absentee mothers or because they think their kids are worse off when they’re with someone else. 

What negative effects does this have in their lives?  

It depends on how much you let the guilt get to you. If you deal with it and figure out the lifestyle that works for you and your family, you don’t suffer negative effects (MOST of the time — there’s always the occasional twinge). But if you let the guilt rule your life, you can feel depressed, ashamed, sad or just a general sense that you’re a “bad mom.” And that’s no way to live!

What are some things women can do to overcome their guilt?

Sit down and really think about why you feel guilty. (Or talk to a therapist, if you find it difficult to have that kind of conversation by yourself.) Figure out if it’s because you’re not happy with how things are going, or if it’s because you think others (family, coworkers, friends, etc.) think less of you because of your choices. Try to envision your ideal family state, whatever that means to you. Then make a plan to achieve it, and you’ll feel better just working toward that plan.

 I’ll give you an example from my own life. I used to feel guilty for having to be away from my kids 11 or 12 hours a day, on average. I worked at an ad agency in a management role, commuting to a downtown office every day. Plus, I’d have to work evenings and weekends, just to maintain a level of performance that was expected of me there. After confronting that guilt, I realized that I wanted to work fewer hours and have more control of my schedule. That way, I could be with my kids more and have the flexibility to go to school events, take them to the doctor, and keep the house in some semblance of order.

My plan was to become a full-time freelance writer, based at home with childcare outside my home (so I could get work done during the day). It took about a year, but I finally was able to make the leap last fall. Since then, my guilt has plummeted and my happiness with our family life has been overflowing. We have more time together in the mornings, and the evenings. I still get to support my family with paying work I love. I’m so glad I did what it took for us to all be happy with our situation.

What are the benefits working mothers receive as they put these techniques into practice?

Happiness. If you’re doing what feels right for you and your family, you’re bound to feel a whole lot happier because you’re free from guilt and all the other bad mojo that goes with settling for less than ideal.

Any final words of advice?

I just want all moms to know they deserve to be happy and fulfilled. You don’t have to be a martyr. It’s not easy to be a working mom in this society, but millions of us do it somehow. It helps to seek support, give support to others and take care of yourself!

Post by Kim Gibbs

I’ve already discussed the first 2 challenges we face  in getting rid of guilt – not knowing we’re supposed to get rid of it, and not knowing how to get rid of it.  In this blog I’ll discuss the third challenge we face: feeling guilty when we haven’t done anything wrong.

It’s amazing how often we feel guilty when we shouldn’t.  These are times when we haven’t broken a commandment or hurt anybody’s feelings or violated our personal code of ethics, yet for some reason, we still feel bad. 

Something inside of us says that we shouldn’t have done what we just did even though there’s no evidence of wrong-doing.  Maybe we were late getting dinner ready or got a flat tire on the way home from work.  There’s nothing wrong with either of these things happening, but they make us feel guilty just the same. 

This is called false guilt.  This type of guilt is something we impose on ourselves.  It’s self-inflicted, unhealthy and totally undeserved.  It’s also rampant among women.  The good news about false guilt is that if we examine it logically, we should be able to reason it away.  ”Dinner was late because I got stuck in traffic.”   ”I never even saw the nail I ran over.”

With false guilt, it’s not unusual for us to exaggerate what we think we did wrong and make it much worse than it actually was.   “If I was more organized, I would have made it home in time to start dinner.”  “If I was a better driver, I would never have run over that nail.”  These are the kinds of useless, negative thoughts that make us feel even worse.

So if we pause and peel back these layers of exaggeration and take a realistic look at what we did, we’ll see that we didn’t cross any line after all and can release the guilt.

 The first question we need to ask ourselves when we feel guilty about something is, “Is this true guilt or false guilt?”  Then try to find any evidence of actual wrong doing.  If there isn’t any, then use reasoning to let the feelings of guilt go. 

This is such a huge problem among women that I’ll be spending some time in future blogs giving you examples of false guilt and the reasoning you can use to let it go.

Post by Kim Gibbs

I want to try something new on this blog and open it up for anonymous confessions of guilt. 

I recently read where there’s a 900 number people can call to talk about things they’ve done that make them feel guilty.  The call is recorded, but I don’t  think there’s anyone live on the other end of the line.    The idea is to provide a safe place where people can anonymously confess to the wrongs they’ve committed and vent about their guilt.  The response has been huge.

It’s a great way for people to face up to their wrong doings and get some pretty heavy things off their chests without being judged.  It’s also a good start for those who are tentative about facing and dealing with their guilt head on.  By talking about it, even if it’s to a recording, they’ve taken the first step toward accountability and healing. 

People can also pay by the minute to listen to the confessions.   Knowing that there are others out there who have done the same things they’ve done or feel the same way they do is comforting.  It gives people hope to know that they’re not alone and there are others out there struggling too.   

Listening to other people’s problems helps us put our own troubles into perspective, especially when theirs are worse than ours.  Or we come to appreciate the nature of our own problems once once we compare them to someone else’s.  It’s been said that if we were all to throw our problems into one big pile and exchange them for different ones, we’d end up choosing our own again! 

So instead of having a paid number you can call, I’d like to open this blog up to those of you who need a safe place to confess, to tell your story,  and to get some things off your chest.   For those of you who are having a hard time confessing or confiding to another person face to face, this will be a great place for you to start. 

I’ll call these posts “Confessions of Guilt” and they’ll be completely anonymous – no name, no initials, no nothing.  I won’t comment on them (unless you ask me to) and won’t post anyone else’s comments about them (unless you ask me to).  

Please keep your entry clean – no bad language, images or swearing.  I’ll edit anything I think is inappropriate.

Who knows, confessing on a blog may be just the breakthrough you need to get yourself  going on the path to guilt recovery!

Post by Kim Gibbs

The first challenge many of us have regarding guilt is that we don’t  know we’re supposed to get rid of it.  The second challenge is:  We don’t know how to get rid of guilt.  

There are so many women who really do want to get rid of  guilt but can’t because they honestly don’t know where to begin.  They don’t know how to properly start the process, what steps to take, and how to continually manage their guilt.  

Others have taken steps that they thought would help them overcome guilt only to have that feeling resurface and drag them down again and again. These people make an honest effort, just not the right one that will work over the long haul. 

If that describes you, then keep visiting this blog.  Bit by bit, I’ll expose the reality of guilt and how to overcome it.  The better you understand what guilt is and what it isn’t , the easier it will be for you to beat it.   This is the message I present when I speak professionally.

Post by Kim Gibbs

I am constantly talking to women about guilt and have discovered three major challenges or misconceptions that many of us have regarding it.  In this post I’ll talk about the first challenge:

1 – Most of us are unaware that we should get rid of guilt.

Many of us assume that once we feel guilt, it’ll become a permanent pain in our hearts. In essence, we invite it to stay and make itself comfortable. We mistakenly see guilt as a life-long punishment that we have to endure as a consequence of our wrong-doing. The sad part of that mistaken belief is that we suffer from guilt far longer than we should.

To break free of that misconception, we need to start using guilt as it was meant to be used – as a signal, not a life sentence. Once we recognize the signal, we should change our behavior and take the proper steps to leave the guilt behind. In her book, “The Gift of Guilt”, Shannon Miller confirms this when she says that guilt is “meant to be short-lived.”

Sadly enough, I have also found far too many women who feel guilty because they don’t think they deserve any better. They think that their wrongs are too terrible to be forgiven and they should be punished for the rest of their lives.  Or that they’re worthless individuals and shouldn’t  feel any joy.   

I’m surprised at the number of women with a significant other – husband, parent or grown child –  who always makes them feel bad. This other person continually drums into their heads that they’re a bad mother, a terrible wife, and a worthless human being.  These unfortunate women believe what they’re constantly being told and they always feel guilty.  

If you’re one of these women, then you need to read this:  I don’t care what you’ve done, I don’t care how many times you’ve done it, I don’t care what awful things others are telling you – you deserve to live guilt-free.  You deserve to to have a clear conscience.  You deserve to feel the joy and happiness you were meant to feel.  If you don’t get anything else out of what I write, I want you to get this.  For the sake of your own happiness.