Kim Gibbs: The Guilt Guide

Beth Diettert

5/10/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

After almost every presentation I do on guilt, a woman will come up to me afterwards feeling guilty about being the recipient of sexual abuse as a  child.  She feels guilty because she was too scared or young or powerless to do anything about it.  I’m truly saddened by the number of women and children who have had this kind of experience and punish themselves for not being able to stop it.

So today’s guest interview is with Beth Diettert, a remarkable friend of mine who had this kind of experience and is willing to share the things she’s done to forgive herself and get rid of the guilt.  I’m sure you’ll agree that Beth is truly an inspiration and that her story will help many other women.

1) Introduce yourself and what you do. 

 I’m Beth Diettert, the owner and CFO of several Quiznos Subs in Montana.

 2) What is your biggest source of guilt?

It began when I was in the fourth grade, one event that forever changed me.  From that moment on I harbored guilt, shame, fear, sadness.  I blamed myself for not speaking up and telling on my mother’s husband for making me touch him inappropriately.  In my head I was screaming and hoping my mom would catch him in the act. 

I knew the moment it first happened it was wrong but I was petrified and thought if I spoke up I would be severely punished.  In my child mind it made sense that if my mom caught him it would end and I would be safe, but I could not be the one to reveal this devastating secret.  So while she was just a few feet away I screamed in my head for her to catch him while I remained frozen with fear. 

Why did I not yell?  Why did I not tell?  Why did I bury this and suffer for so many years with shame?  Each time it happened it was the same scenario, wishing and hoping he would be caught.  And each time he wasn’t I blamed myself for not telling. 

 3) What negative effects did this have in your life? 

 I closed the door on my childhood; it was too painful to see without the shadow of molestation and the guilt I carried for not speaking up.  Unable to even look at childhood photos without disgust.  Yet at the same time I longed to remember my childhood and hated that these awful memories caused me to bury the good times in order to block out the bad.

 4) What are some things you’ve done to overcome this guilt?

 Once the pain became unbearable and I could no longer silence it I began a journey of healing.  I reached out to various people who gave me resources and guidance.  I joined a group with other survivors and we began a journey of healing together (power in numbers)! 

I sought answers in books, tapes, videos, quotes, affirmations, and strong women who empower me.  I keep a journal and surround myself with inspirational items…my vision board and special gifts and treasured keepsakes that empower me whenever I look upon them.  These items are on the corner of my desk; I gain empowerment from them each and every day!  

5) What positive changes have you seen since putting these techniques into practice?

I’m continually learning that we can change our feelings by changing the thoughts that produced them!  Not trying to stamp out all bad thoughts but rather put them in perspective, look at the alternative, reappraise them.  You’ll continue to have scary thoughts but you can live with them.  It changes our brain function when reappraising and enables us to have power over our thoughts.  POWER over our thoughts! 

  6) Any final words of advice?

“Emotion regulation” is a set of tools that enable us to change the course of our emotions.  Ruminate over a past fearful situation BUT visualize it from another perspective “reappraise the situation.”  If you can change the way you THINK, you can change the way you FEEL! 

 “Unconscious conflicts” are things hidden from you but they’re making you miserable.  Psychotherapy’s role is to bring these out and change the way you think.  Think of it as having a little machine buried down in your emotional brain spitting out all of these really scary thoughts and because you’re the one thinking these things you tend to believe them. 

But wait, there’s a saying in cognitive therapy, don’t believe everything you think!  The key is to face these fears and DEFEAT them.  Put them in perspective using rationalization “I don’t need to be afraid or ashamed or carry guilt by these memories.  I can realize what happened was scary but I know now that I can work through these emotions and leave them behind.”  Or as a very wise woman I know (a key player in my journey) would say…leave them in the dust!