Kim Gibbs: The Guilt Guide

Susan Jackson

4/9/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

Recently, I found this great blog called Working Moms Against Guilt.  It’s written by three working moms who blog about their ongoing struggle to resist the big “G” and embrace the journey.  They’re a hoot and have some great advice on overcoming guilt.  Check them out at www.workingmomsagainstguilt.com

 I was dying to pick their brains about guilt, so I asked WMAG if I could do an interview and post it.  They said yes, so now I’m excited to introduce a new feature on my blog called Guest Interviews with WMAG as my first one.  Rather than me doing all the blabbing about guilt, I though it would be interesting to have other women share their struggles with and solutions to guilt.  And was I ever right!  Read on

Tell me your names and the purpose of your WMAG blog.

 Working Moms Against Guilt is written by Tela Durbin, Sara Bennett-Wealer and myself (Susan Wenner Jackson). Essentially, we created and write the blog to help working moms like us know they’re not alone in their ongoing struggle against guilt. We try to inform them, make them laugh and provide a guilt-free outlet where they can be open and honest about working motherhood.

What is the biggest source of guilt for working mothers?

Personally, I think it’s spending time away from your kids — mostly at work, but also doing “fun stuff” like going out with friends, getting a manicure or just going for a walk. Working moms often feel like they “should” be with their kids as much as humanly possible, either because they believe society will judge them for being absentee mothers or because they think their kids are worse off when they’re with someone else. 

What negative effects does this have in their lives?  

It depends on how much you let the guilt get to you. If you deal with it and figure out the lifestyle that works for you and your family, you don’t suffer negative effects (MOST of the time — there’s always the occasional twinge). But if you let the guilt rule your life, you can feel depressed, ashamed, sad or just a general sense that you’re a “bad mom.” And that’s no way to live!

What are some things women can do to overcome their guilt?

Sit down and really think about why you feel guilty. (Or talk to a therapist, if you find it difficult to have that kind of conversation by yourself.) Figure out if it’s because you’re not happy with how things are going, or if it’s because you think others (family, coworkers, friends, etc.) think less of you because of your choices. Try to envision your ideal family state, whatever that means to you. Then make a plan to achieve it, and you’ll feel better just working toward that plan.

 I’ll give you an example from my own life. I used to feel guilty for having to be away from my kids 11 or 12 hours a day, on average. I worked at an ad agency in a management role, commuting to a downtown office every day. Plus, I’d have to work evenings and weekends, just to maintain a level of performance that was expected of me there. After confronting that guilt, I realized that I wanted to work fewer hours and have more control of my schedule. That way, I could be with my kids more and have the flexibility to go to school events, take them to the doctor, and keep the house in some semblance of order.

My plan was to become a full-time freelance writer, based at home with childcare outside my home (so I could get work done during the day). It took about a year, but I finally was able to make the leap last fall. Since then, my guilt has plummeted and my happiness with our family life has been overflowing. We have more time together in the mornings, and the evenings. I still get to support my family with paying work I love. I’m so glad I did what it took for us to all be happy with our situation.

What are the benefits working mothers receive as they put these techniques into practice?

Happiness. If you’re doing what feels right for you and your family, you’re bound to feel a whole lot happier because you’re free from guilt and all the other bad mojo that goes with settling for less than ideal.

Any final words of advice?

I just want all moms to know they deserve to be happy and fulfilled. You don’t have to be a martyr. It’s not easy to be a working mom in this society, but millions of us do it somehow. It helps to seek support, give support to others and take care of yourself!

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