Kim Gibbs: The Guilt Guide

6/28/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

As I discussed in my last post, the first step in overcoming guilt is to acknowledge what you’ve done wrong and be accountable for it.  The rest of the steps won’t work unless you’ve honestly admitted to your wrong-doing. 

As you can imagine, confessing to a mistake is usually painful because it’s embarrassing.  Running through it in your head or confessing it out loud makes you feel ashamed.  But shame isn’t the feeling you want at this point.  So step number two is to:

Turn your shame into sorrow

Shame is a negative feeling that makes you want to cover up your wrong-doing.  It compels you to hide it so others won’t find out and be mad or disgusted with you. When you feel ashamed you say things like, “I am so worthless,” and “How could I have done such a thing? “  Shame doesn’t allow you to deal with your actions so you can move on.  As a result, the guilt stays and continues to fester.

So it’s important to turn your shame into sorrow.  Sorrow isn’t a negative feeling like shame.  Its focus is positive.  When you feel sorry, you’re motivated to find a way to move forward and past your wrong-doing.  Sorrow allows you to make healthy changes, to look forward to better feelings and a better future.  Sorrow may be painful, but it opens the door to healing.  

It’s OK to feel sorrow after you’ve done something wrong; it shows you have a conscience and want to do the right thing.  When you feel sorrow, you ask questions like, “How do I fix this and move on?”  “What have I learned from this so I won’t do it again?”  With sorrow, you can see a light at the end of the tunnel of pain and regret.

Be very conscientious about how you feel during this step.  If you feel like hiding your actions and wallowing in self pity, then you’re feeling shame.  Rather than saying, “I’ve made a mistake and I’m worthless,” try saying, “I’ve made a mistake and I’m sorry.  Now what can I do to make this right?”  That’s sorrow talking and it will lead you to adjust your actions, make better decisions and move forward, leaving your guilt behind.