Kim Gibbs: The Guilt Guide

Posts Tagged ‘feeling guilty’

Victoria Cook

05/20/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

When we as women set goals for ourselves and work to move ahead in life, we can’t seem to do it without feeling guilty about something.  Today’s interview is with Victoria Cook, a Guilt Free Results Expert, Speaker and Coach.  She has some great ideas for you on how to get rid of that nagging guilt.

Tell me briefly about your Guilt-Free R.E.S.U.L.T.S.™ System:

There are loads of books and seminars on accomplishing goals.  I’ve read many of them.  By combining the strategies I’ve learned from private study and my corporate background with coaching, I was able to accomplish many of my own BIG goals, including starting a successful coaching business.  But after the birth of my son in December of 2005, a whole new challenge emerged. 

I fell completely in love with my son and motherhood; so much more than I ever could have expected.  I soon found myself feeling a little guilty when I took time away from him and the family for business.  And when I spent time with my family, I found myself feeling guilty and stressed about all the work still sitting in my inbox.  It quickly became clear that great results weren’t enough if I felt stressed, overwhelmed, and guilty in the process.

I noticed I wasn’t the only one struggling to achieve some big goals AND maintain harmony at home.  Other professional women I met while speaking or networking expressed similar challenges.  They were taking care of everyone else at the expense of themselves.  They had BIG goals they struggled to achieve.  As a result, they didn’t feel they could justify the time they spent on themselves or their professional aspirations without struggle and guilt.  I began successfully working with professional women who also wanted guilt-free results.

While every client is unique and brings her own challenges and agenda to our work together, the framework was the same. My Guilt-Free R.E.S.U.L.T.S.™ System includes:

1.  Reset Your Priorities

2.  Engage Your Bigger Purpose

3.  See a Higher Vision

4.  Upgrade Your Mindset  & Undo the Guilt

5.  Lay Out Your Path

6.  Target Your Direction

7.  Stay the Course

Since then, I’ve dedicated my career to helping other high achieving professional women who are caring for everyone else, exhausted, and unable to achieve what is important to them attain the guilt-free professional achievement they desire using my Guilt-Free R.E.S.U.L.T.S.™ system!

What are the biggest sources of guilt people deal with when pursuing their goals?

That’s a GREAT question!  Through the work I’ve done with my clients I’ve found there to be three primary sources of guilt:

1.  Trying to conform to the standards of others whether that’s societal or cultural norms, or the expectations of well meaning friends and family. It’s so important to know what it is YOU truly want vs. always being pulled into the requirements and expectations of others.

2.  What I call the “Type A Trap” which is a very high self-imposed standard.  I’m all about setting BIG goals, but they also have to be realistic with a bit of a stretch, and take into account your particular life circumstances or season.

3.  The final source of guilt I see is not utilizing boundaries and saying no when warranted.  Sometimes saying no is not only in a person’s best interest, but also the best interest of the requester. You don’t have to say no to everything, but really look at what it is you are saying yes to. Is it something that aligns with your goals, talents, gifts, interests, and passion?  Remember, when you say yes to something you are automatically saying no to something else.

 What negative effects does this guilt have in their lives?

The two primary problems related to guilt I’ve seen in working with my clients are feelings of resentment and feeling “stuck”.  The resentments build when a person doesn’t deal with the guilt and continues to say yes to requests instead of enforcing boundaries.  This can be very damaging to relationships.  As resentment mounts, the person’s fuse gets shorter.  Bursts of anger can show up at inappropriate time’s further straining relationships.

Secondly, unchecked guilt creates feelings of paralysis, being stuck, frustrated and overwhelmed, which in turn leads to inaction.  This creates a vicious cycle back around to MORE guilt for not making progress and often continues in a downward spiral.  This only increases stress, anxiety and frustration.  This is the main issue I see with many of the clients with whom I work.  It not only increases their stress level, it also keeps them from achieving the personal and professional success they desire.

What steps do you recommend people take to overcome their guilt?

First I believe it is important to align your goals with your purpose and values. When you do that, it can make saying no easier.  Secondly, a strong and empowering mindset will also help you overcome guilt and create the confidence and focus needed to reach your goals. This is such an important piece to my system that I wrote a 50+ page guidebook to help walk people through how to do this step-by-step.

What benefits do they see when they take these steps?

Much greater clarity, focus, and confidence to move forward and achieve what you desire without sacrificing what’s most important.

Any last words of advice?

 If you’d like to learn more about my Guilt-Free R.E.S.U.L.T.S.™ System and how to use it to reach one goal in the next 30 days, I invite you to register for my complimentary Big Goals No Guilt 30 Day Challenge at www.TheGuiltFreeCoach.com.

Remember, living guilt-free is a choice and possibly the best choice you can make for yourself, your community and your family!

Beth Diettert

5/10/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

After almost every presentation I do on guilt, a woman will come up to me afterwards feeling guilty about being the recipient of sexual abuse as a  child.  She feels guilty because she was too scared or young or powerless to do anything about it.  I’m truly saddened by the number of women and children who have had this kind of experience and punish themselves for not being able to stop it.

So today’s guest interview is with Beth Diettert, a remarkable friend of mine who had this kind of experience and is willing to share the things she’s done to forgive herself and get rid of the guilt.  I’m sure you’ll agree that Beth is truly an inspiration and that her story will help many other women.

1) Introduce yourself and what you do. 

 I’m Beth Diettert, the owner and CFO of several Quiznos Subs in Montana.

 2) What is your biggest source of guilt?

It began when I was in the fourth grade, one event that forever changed me.  From that moment on I harbored guilt, shame, fear, sadness.  I blamed myself for not speaking up and telling on my mother’s husband for making me touch him inappropriately.  In my head I was screaming and hoping my mom would catch him in the act. 

I knew the moment it first happened it was wrong but I was petrified and thought if I spoke up I would be severely punished.  In my child mind it made sense that if my mom caught him it would end and I would be safe, but I could not be the one to reveal this devastating secret.  So while she was just a few feet away I screamed in my head for her to catch him while I remained frozen with fear. 

Why did I not yell?  Why did I not tell?  Why did I bury this and suffer for so many years with shame?  Each time it happened it was the same scenario, wishing and hoping he would be caught.  And each time he wasn’t I blamed myself for not telling. 

 3) What negative effects did this have in your life? 

 I closed the door on my childhood; it was too painful to see without the shadow of molestation and the guilt I carried for not speaking up.  Unable to even look at childhood photos without disgust.  Yet at the same time I longed to remember my childhood and hated that these awful memories caused me to bury the good times in order to block out the bad.

 4) What are some things you’ve done to overcome this guilt?

 Once the pain became unbearable and I could no longer silence it I began a journey of healing.  I reached out to various people who gave me resources and guidance.  I joined a group with other survivors and we began a journey of healing together (power in numbers)! 

I sought answers in books, tapes, videos, quotes, affirmations, and strong women who empower me.  I keep a journal and surround myself with inspirational items…my vision board and special gifts and treasured keepsakes that empower me whenever I look upon them.  These items are on the corner of my desk; I gain empowerment from them each and every day!  

5) What positive changes have you seen since putting these techniques into practice?

I’m continually learning that we can change our feelings by changing the thoughts that produced them!  Not trying to stamp out all bad thoughts but rather put them in perspective, look at the alternative, reappraise them.  You’ll continue to have scary thoughts but you can live with them.  It changes our brain function when reappraising and enables us to have power over our thoughts.  POWER over our thoughts! 

  6) Any final words of advice?

“Emotion regulation” is a set of tools that enable us to change the course of our emotions.  Ruminate over a past fearful situation BUT visualize it from another perspective “reappraise the situation.”  If you can change the way you THINK, you can change the way you FEEL! 

 “Unconscious conflicts” are things hidden from you but they’re making you miserable.  Psychotherapy’s role is to bring these out and change the way you think.  Think of it as having a little machine buried down in your emotional brain spitting out all of these really scary thoughts and because you’re the one thinking these things you tend to believe them. 

But wait, there’s a saying in cognitive therapy, don’t believe everything you think!  The key is to face these fears and DEFEAT them.  Put them in perspective using rationalization “I don’t need to be afraid or ashamed or carry guilt by these memories.  I can realize what happened was scary but I know now that I can work through these emotions and leave them behind.”  Or as a very wise woman I know (a key player in my journey) would say…leave them in the dust!

Susan Jackson

4/9/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

Recently, I found this great blog called Working Moms Against Guilt.  It’s written by three working moms who blog about their ongoing struggle to resist the big “G” and embrace the journey.  They’re a hoot and have some great advice on overcoming guilt.  Check them out at www.workingmomsagainstguilt.com

 I was dying to pick their brains about guilt, so I asked WMAG if I could do an interview and post it.  They said yes, so now I’m excited to introduce a new feature on my blog called Guest Interviews with WMAG as my first one.  Rather than me doing all the blabbing about guilt, I though it would be interesting to have other women share their struggles with and solutions to guilt.  And was I ever right!  Read on

Tell me your names and the purpose of your WMAG blog.

 Working Moms Against Guilt is written by Tela Durbin, Sara Bennett-Wealer and myself (Susan Wenner Jackson). Essentially, we created and write the blog to help working moms like us know they’re not alone in their ongoing struggle against guilt. We try to inform them, make them laugh and provide a guilt-free outlet where they can be open and honest about working motherhood.

What is the biggest source of guilt for working mothers?

Personally, I think it’s spending time away from your kids — mostly at work, but also doing “fun stuff” like going out with friends, getting a manicure or just going for a walk. Working moms often feel like they “should” be with their kids as much as humanly possible, either because they believe society will judge them for being absentee mothers or because they think their kids are worse off when they’re with someone else. 

What negative effects does this have in their lives?  

It depends on how much you let the guilt get to you. If you deal with it and figure out the lifestyle that works for you and your family, you don’t suffer negative effects (MOST of the time — there’s always the occasional twinge). But if you let the guilt rule your life, you can feel depressed, ashamed, sad or just a general sense that you’re a “bad mom.” And that’s no way to live!

What are some things women can do to overcome their guilt?

Sit down and really think about why you feel guilty. (Or talk to a therapist, if you find it difficult to have that kind of conversation by yourself.) Figure out if it’s because you’re not happy with how things are going, or if it’s because you think others (family, coworkers, friends, etc.) think less of you because of your choices. Try to envision your ideal family state, whatever that means to you. Then make a plan to achieve it, and you’ll feel better just working toward that plan.

 I’ll give you an example from my own life. I used to feel guilty for having to be away from my kids 11 or 12 hours a day, on average. I worked at an ad agency in a management role, commuting to a downtown office every day. Plus, I’d have to work evenings and weekends, just to maintain a level of performance that was expected of me there. After confronting that guilt, I realized that I wanted to work fewer hours and have more control of my schedule. That way, I could be with my kids more and have the flexibility to go to school events, take them to the doctor, and keep the house in some semblance of order.

My plan was to become a full-time freelance writer, based at home with childcare outside my home (so I could get work done during the day). It took about a year, but I finally was able to make the leap last fall. Since then, my guilt has plummeted and my happiness with our family life has been overflowing. We have more time together in the mornings, and the evenings. I still get to support my family with paying work I love. I’m so glad I did what it took for us to all be happy with our situation.

What are the benefits working mothers receive as they put these techniques into practice?

Happiness. If you’re doing what feels right for you and your family, you’re bound to feel a whole lot happier because you’re free from guilt and all the other bad mojo that goes with settling for less than ideal.

Any final words of advice?

I just want all moms to know they deserve to be happy and fulfilled. You don’t have to be a martyr. It’s not easy to be a working mom in this society, but millions of us do it somehow. It helps to seek support, give support to others and take care of yourself!

03/15/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

I’ve already discussed the first 2 challenges we face  in getting rid of guilt – not knowing we’re supposed to get rid of it, and not knowing how to get rid of it.  In this blog I’ll discuss the third challenge we face: feeling guilty when we haven’t done anything wrong.

It’s amazing how often we feel guilty when we shouldn’t.  These are times when we haven’t broken a commandment or hurt anybody’s feelings or violated our personal code of ethics, yet for some reason, we still feel bad. 

Something inside of us says that we shouldn’t have done what we just did even though there’s no evidence of wrong-doing.  Maybe we were late getting dinner ready or got a flat tire on the way home from work.  There’s nothing wrong with either of these things happening, but they make us feel guilty just the same. 

This is called false guilt.  This type of guilt is something we impose on ourselves.  It’s self-inflicted, unhealthy and totally undeserved.  It’s also rampant among women.  The good news about false guilt is that if we examine it logically, we should be able to reason it away.  ”Dinner was late because I got stuck in traffic.”   ”I never even saw the nail I ran over.”

With false guilt, it’s not unusual for us to exaggerate what we think we did wrong and make it much worse than it actually was.   “If I was more organized, I would have made it home in time to start dinner.”  “If I was a better driver, I would never have run over that nail.”  These are the kinds of useless, negative thoughts that make us feel even worse.

So if we pause and peel back these layers of exaggeration and take a realistic look at what we did, we’ll see that we didn’t cross any line after all and can release the guilt.

 The first question we need to ask ourselves when we feel guilty about something is, “Is this true guilt or false guilt?”  Then try to find any evidence of actual wrong doing.  If there isn’t any, then use reasoning to let the feelings of guilt go. 

This is such a huge problem among women that I’ll be spending some time in future blogs giving you examples of false guilt and the reasoning you can use to let it go.

2/18/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

One thing many women don’t understand about guilt is that it is a choice.  When guilt sets in, we have the choice of either dealing with it and moving on, or of living with it. 

We should feel guilty when we do something wrong, but that doesn’t mean that the guilt is there to stay for the rest of our lives.  We’re not suddenly helpless and unable to do anything about it.  Guilt isn’t a permanent chain that gets draped around our neck and now we’re stuck with it.  We always have a choice about what we’re going to do with that guilt.

If we decide to work through the guilt then we need to be willing to go through the cleansing steps that are necessary.  We have to face our shameful or humiliating actions in order to purge ourselves and leave that behavior behind.  Uh oh, that doesn’t sound like any fun.  But as difficult as it might be, it’s still the better choice because that’s the only path that will get rid of the pain. 

What if it feels like we have no choice about feeling guilty because someone else is constantly laying that chain around our necks?  Remember that no one can make us feel guilty without our permission.  No one can lay guilt on us unless we let them.  We can choose to accept that guilt, or refuse it and stay out from under it’s weight.  Refusing to feel guilty takes some effort but is well worth it in the long run.

2/12/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

The more we know about the monster we’re  up against, the better chance we have of overcoming it.  So what is guilt? 

Guilt is that pang we feel when we do something we know we shouldn’t like not putting fruit in our kid’s lunch, or stuffing our exercise ball in the back of the closet.   It’s the agony we feel after betraying a spouse, or crushing a child’s self-esteem.  

But truth be known, guilt is really a good thing.  It tells us when we’ve done something wrong.  Guilt is the feeling we get when we break a commandment, a law, an ethical code, or personal standard that we live by.

The feeling of guilt is a signal, warning  us that we’re off track and headed in the wrong direction.  It’s like the rumble strip along the side of the highway that tells us we’ve driven too far out of our lane and need to make a correction fast or things will get worse.

Feeling guilty proves that we have a conscience and are concerned about doing the right thing and having healthy relationships with other people.  It shows that we really don’t want to hurt others, the dog, or ourselves in any way.  It’s the people who don’t feel guilt that we need to worry about and hide the dogs from.  

The purpose of guilt is to make us feel so uncomfortable and so uneasy about what we’ve done that we won’t do it again.  In other words, it tries to make everybody be nice.  When the pain of guilt is deep enough, we become motivated to stop what we’re doing and change our behavior for the better.

Making these changes will put us back on the right track and keep us moving in a healthy, positive direction.

1/18/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

Kim and Sunny

I don’t know about you, but I’m one of those people who feel guilty about everything.  I have felt guilt over the little things like all the times I fed my kids cereal for dinner, all the bites of chocolate I sneak when my husband is in the other room, and all the money I’ve never made!

Individually, none of these feel like much of a burden, but taken together with the million other goofy things I’ve done, they become a huge weight on my heart.

I also carry guilt from the whoppers I’ve committed like coming up short as a mother and hurting other people’s feelings deeply.  Each of these are a big burden and make me want to hide in the barn for the rest of my life. 

How about you?  Are you feeling guilt over the minor things as well as the biggies?  Are you tired of carrying that weight around?  If so, then you’ve come to the right blog. 

Overcoming guilt is the one challenge in my life I actually have  found the solution for and I want to share it with you.

Through my posts I’d like to guide you through guilt.  I’m going expose the truth about guilt  – I think you’ll be surprised at what it is and what it shouldn’t be.  I’ll show you the difference between true guilt and false guilt and share some examples of false guilt.  I’ll talk about why we hold on to guilt and the devastating effects it has on us.  And of course I’ll reveal the steps I took to overcome my guilt and leave it behind me.

So tighten your cinch while this cowgirl guides you through the steps to overcoming guilt so you can leave it in the dust!