Kim Gibbs: The Guilt Guide

Posts Tagged ‘guilty feelings’

Merrilee Boyack

04/28/10

Posted by Kim Gibbs

I’m currently reading a book by Merrilee Boyack called “Toss the Guilt and Catch the Joy” that I highly recommend.  Merrilee is so funny and makes such great points in this book about how we limit ourselves and our joy because of our guilt. 

One thing in the book that really hit home for me is learning to say, “Not My Problem.”   Seems like as mothers, we always take responsibility for our kid’s choices and feel guilty for their bad ones like it was our fault.

Then we beat ourselves up by saying things like, “I should have spent more time with them; I should have said no more often; I should have kept a tighter rein on them.”   Most likely, our kids would have made the same choices no matter how we parented them.  What we need to remember  is that the consequences they’re paying are theirs and theirs alone. 

The situation your kids find themselves in after making bad choices is not your problem.  If they forget to take their lunch to school, that’s not your problem.  After forgetting and being hungry once, they won’t forget again.  If they shoplift and get caught, the fine or community service or black mark on their record is not your problem.  It’s theirs to face and take care of. 

By not taking your kids problems on as your own, they go through a vital learning process.  Merrilee points out that if you come to their rescue every time they goof up, they have no reason to stop goofing up and you’ll always be bailing them out.   But if you tell youself that it’s not your problem, your kids will eventually learn to be accountable for their own actions.

That’s not to say to ignore your kids when they’re in trouble; you should definitely support and encourage them as they work to make things right.  And obviously there are times when you do need to step in and take control.   But you shouldn’t be doing all the work and feeling all the remorse yourself.  That burden is not yours to bear.  It’s not your problem.

Remember, you can eliminate a ton of remorse and guilt from your life when you stop feeling responsible for everyone else’s actions by telling yourself, “It’s not my problem!”

Merrilee Boyack is a life coach, author and delightful speaker. Visit her website at www.moveforwardcoach.com