Kim Gibbs: The Guilt Guide

Posts Tagged ‘overcome guilt’

06/16/10

Post by Kim Gibbs

How to Overcome Guilt and Leave it in the Dust – Step 1

Guilt was meant to be a signal, not a life sentence.  You aren’t meant to suffer from guilt your entire life.  Unfortunately, there are way too many people out there who feel guilty far longer than they should.   

In my next several blogs, I’ll lay out the steps that will help you overcome guilt and leave it in the dust.  These steps worked for me and I’m excited to share them with you.

Step 1   Acknowledge what you did wrong.

If you’re serious about overcoming guilt, you can’t just suppress it, weasel your way around it, or jump over it.  You must work directly through it.

So the very first step in healing is to face what it is you’ve done wrong.  Don’t deny it or blame someone else.  Admit your wrong-doing to yourself and to your God or higher power.  Bring it out of the darkness and into the light.  I like to confess out loud to increase my focus and commitment to this step. 

Don’t be tempted to keep the worst of what you’ve done hidden; honestly confess all of it – your thoughts, feelings and actions – or the guilt will come back later, bigger and badder than ever. 

Guilt is like a painful infection just under the skin.  The first step in treating it is to peel back the skin and expose the infection. Then you can effectively get rid of it.  Overcoming guilt works the same way.  First uncover the cause of the pain, and then you can take the proper steps to cleanse it.

Oscar Wilde once said, “It is the confession, not the priest that gives us absolution.”  In other words, acknowledging your wrong-doing and being accountable for it puts you on the right path for getting rid of guilt.  The rest of the steps will be futile if you don’t start by owning up to your mistake.  

I won’t kid you; this step is usually painful, just like poking around an infection is painful.  But rather than avoiding this step because it adds to your pain, see it as a purging that will relieve it.  And know that the discomfort of this step, just like the pain of guilt, is meant to be short-lived.

Merrilee Boyack

04/28/10

Posted by Kim Gibbs

I’m currently reading a book by Merrilee Boyack called “Toss the Guilt and Catch the Joy” that I highly recommend.  Merrilee is so funny and makes such great points in this book about how we limit ourselves and our joy because of our guilt. 

One thing in the book that really hit home for me is learning to say, “Not My Problem.”   Seems like as mothers, we always take responsibility for our kid’s choices and feel guilty for their bad ones like it was our fault.

Then we beat ourselves up by saying things like, “I should have spent more time with them; I should have said no more often; I should have kept a tighter rein on them.”   Most likely, our kids would have made the same choices no matter how we parented them.  What we need to remember  is that the consequences they’re paying are theirs and theirs alone. 

The situation your kids find themselves in after making bad choices is not your problem.  If they forget to take their lunch to school, that’s not your problem.  After forgetting and being hungry once, they won’t forget again.  If they shoplift and get caught, the fine or community service or black mark on their record is not your problem.  It’s theirs to face and take care of. 

By not taking your kids problems on as your own, they go through a vital learning process.  Merrilee points out that if you come to their rescue every time they goof up, they have no reason to stop goofing up and you’ll always be bailing them out.   But if you tell youself that it’s not your problem, your kids will eventually learn to be accountable for their own actions.

That’s not to say to ignore your kids when they’re in trouble; you should definitely support and encourage them as they work to make things right.  And obviously there are times when you do need to step in and take control.   But you shouldn’t be doing all the work and feeling all the remorse yourself.  That burden is not yours to bear.  It’s not your problem.

Remember, you can eliminate a ton of remorse and guilt from your life when you stop feeling responsible for everyone else’s actions by telling yourself, “It’s not my problem!”

Merrilee Boyack is a life coach, author and delightful speaker. Visit her website at www.moveforwardcoach.com